Inside My Hell

Gag me now, please! I need a vomit bag! American Idol is taking a big stinkin' shit all over Billboard! Last week it was bad enough when that Underwood chick went # 1 with that stupid ass song "Inside Your Heaven", but NOW that Trailer trash looking Bo Bice goes and has the top selling single ... with the same f*cking song?!?! So, now Inside Your Heaven is sitting pretty at #2 AND #3 on the Billboard Hot 100. This is absurd! Absofuckingsurd! Ok, breathe ... breathe ...

"I think I need 2 lay down." - Madonna, Die Another Day

The First Ring Anniversary

Happy belated birthday 2 my blog! The Inner Rings of Saturn was officially "one ring" old yesterday. I can't believe I'm still writing it ... more 2 the point I can't believe people are actually reading it!

I started this blog on the behest of a "music guru" who said it was a great idea for musicians to have a blog to get new fans, sell merchandise and also generate income from the likes of google ads. Well, everybody knows that GOOGLE DUMPED MY ASS! so no income there. As far as new fans and CD sales, I've managed to sell ... wait for it ... ONE WHOLE CD through my blog! (And I luv U 4 that, LJ!) So, instead of being a cash generating, fan inducing, CD selling machine, my blog has devolved into a platform for me to rant about my lovelife, my sexual exploits and my frustrations and successes (mostly frustrations this past year) in my musical career. (Yes, damnit, I have a musical career! Stop laughing!) I'm actually doing better in 2005 than I've done the past 2 years, so progress has certainly been made.

So, what have I learned from keeping a blog?

1.) That I used to be a ho. And that's ok. Good times were had. (<-- this is a joke, people. I was NEVER a ho, not even by Conservative Right Wing Ten Commandment wielding egomaniacal standards.)

2.) That my love life sucks much worse than I could have ever really known without scrutinizing it for my adoring public of 2.

3.) That GOOGLE SUCKS ASS!

4.) That I'm prone 2 saying things like "what the f*ck?" and "U dirty bitch!"

5.) That I get MUCH more accomplished in my music career when I'm

a.) not thinking about sex
b.) not thinking about boys
c.) not thinking about love
d.) keeping myself occupied so that I'm not thinking about sex and boys and love

6.) That I can actually achieve my goals if I just persevere and keep at it. And stop being so damned obsessed with ... wait 4 it ... boys.

7.) That I'm hopelessly addicted to ending each post with a quote from a song that ties into the post somethow. It's like crack, I just don't feel right if I don't do it now, except for WTF entries or special posts such as this one.

So, there U have it. On a side note about musical success, I realized yesterday that my online CD sales don't suck like I thought they did, but that I'm actually on average. It's been stated unequivocally that in online retail, you typically average sales of 1% of your hits. I did the math and I'm right there at 1%. So, that means that I just have to INCREASE TRAFFIC. So, please blog family, link to me and pass it on like that bird flu that's coming from Asia to knock us all off (I read it on Yahoo news). Link to my blog or my website or both! (www.iamsaturn.com)

In honor of this momentous occasion, I've decided to repost my very first blog entry so that my five readers can reflect on how it all began!

Tuesday, June 29, 2004

Blog what?

Hhhhmm. Not sure how this is going to work. Not sure if I want all the inner workings of my heart and soul and life to go into cyberspace 4 everyone 2 dissect, then again, I pour all of that into my music, so this should be an interesting correllation or companion piece. Does anyone actually read these things anyway? If so, why? I know I read blogs when I'm bored at work and need something to do. Cum 2 think of it, I'm bored at work at this very moment, typing into the void. If U 2 are bored at work and reading this, why not listen to some of my music? www.iamsaturn.com is my website. I write, compose, perform and produce everything myself. My favorite of all time is Prince. Though I also love Janet and Madonna. And if U can't guess by all that, I also love boys. :-) (Not in a weirdo wacko MJ way, I mean boys as in men 4 anyone not down with the lingo.)Anyhoo, my phone is ringing. Some customer wants an order. The things we must do 2 eat.

Ta.

Saturn.

WTF - Idiot Scholars and Baby Killers

So, I've been a little lax the last couple of weeks and TOTALLY forgot about posting for WTF Day (which is every Tuesday by the way). That's not to say that I haven't seen or read something every day that has made me go "What the f*ck?!?!". But once again, when I need a story quick, I turn to old reliable, Chuck Shepherd.

So, do you ever wonder what kind of scholarly findings all that moolah that goes to Scientific Research actually pays 4? Well, here U go:

Recent scholarly findings (reduced to their essence in a May Wall Street Journal column): It's much easier to identify someone if he is physically near you than if he is up to 450 feet away (Psychonomic Bulletin & Review, February). People who choose their careers carefully, rather than on a whim, experience greater job satisfaction (Journal of Economic Psychology, vol. 26, no.3). College students tend to drink more alcoholic beverages than they realize (Alcoholism: Clinical & Experimental Research, April). If patients voluntarily tell a doctor about a bad side effect of a medicine, they are more likely to be switched to a safer one than if they don't (Archives of Internal Medicine, January). [Wall Street Journal, 5-27-05]

And these people are supposed to be smart. Next they'll be telling me that if I get punched in the face by a man bigger than myself, chances are, it's gonna hurt. Christ.

And if that wasn't bad enough, here's this little story about some dumb ass kids in Texas:

Gerardo Flores, 19, was convicted of murder in June in Lufkin, Texas, in the death of the 5-month-old fetus of his girlfriend, Erica Basoria. Flores admitted that he had stood on Basoria's stomach several times at her request to induce a miscarriage, but Basoria had told authorities that she had also punched herself in the stomach several times. Under Texas law, killing a fetus is a capital offense, and so Flores automatically received a life sentence, but Basoria could not be charged because of her constitutional right to abortion. [Washington Post-AP, 6-6-05]

There are SO many things wrong with that, I don't even know where 2 begin. Suffice it 2 say, I scratch my head and go ...

"What the f*ck?!?!"

Fate on a Friday Night

Friday night. From the bar to the car to the porch to my living room to the stairs to my bed ... the place where I've wanted you since the first time I ever laid eyes on you. Yes, we were drunk, the passion was overwhelming, the lust intoxicating ... what is it about you that makes me want to lose myself completely in the act of pleasing you? You were a selfish lover, but I was not surprised. After the ass U made of yourself four months ago with me, you know, the shameless flirting with random men while we were supposed to be talking, the coy game of playing like you wanted me to suddenly not returning my calls, the typical bullshit boys like you play that made me write you off and not even want you anymore. But, damn U, I see U for the first time in nearly 4 months walk into the bar, alone, and all those feelings rise up in me once more. U have a swagger, an intense confidence, a deceptive confidence, though, masking some pretty blatant insecurities. You're not gorgeous, but rather ordinary looking actually, but you reek of sex appeal. Something about your sweet boy-next-door blandness mixed with your cool I-don't-give-a-shit bravado makes everyone, boys and girls alike, want to rip your clothes off. I must admit to having those feelings too, but I must also admit to wanting to keep your clothes on and instead unravel your mind. Your body is the easier conquest. I must admit to my deepest desire of wanting nothing more than for you to want me, to unravel me, to treasure me, to do and be all the things to me that I would so readily do and be for you. I don't feel this way about a boy often - that easiness that exists between us already as if we were old souls. I wish you would have made the most of things back 4 months ago when we first started talking, who knows what we would be to each other now. But no, there was another man who enthralled you, another closet case like yourself, a serious 'boyfriend' as U call him, a boyfriend U didn't give a 2 second notice when we were getting naked and attacking one another. In the end it doesn't matter. I'd wanted you for so long and now I've finally had you. What's left to say? Maybe that once you came and expended all your energy, as you lay there lying naked in my bed, illuminated by the blue light from my stereo, that it was my greatest delight to study your body with my tongue, to slowly take you in from your head to toe, to make you moan in comfort, to make you feel good. Maybe I still have left to say that the best part of being with you was waking up from time to time in the middle of the night and having you in my arms, my hot naked body wrapped around yours, keeping you close to me, caressing your sweaty head, kissing you gently on your ear and the base of your neck. Maybe it might be worth saying that when I woke up in the morning with you in my ams and I left the bed and I looked back at you, the sunlight breaking through my blinds making your pale skin glow with a hint of sepia, I thought to myself it would be one of life's greatest gifts to always wake up this way, to every morning look over and see you there. Then you go and do something stupid ... you fart. Loudly. U nasty fuck. But I don't care. I slap you and tell you to get your ass out of my bed and I laugh about it. I laugh because you're checking yourself out in my mirror, trying to look at your ass. I smile because for a moment I know you don't want to leave. I know that if I had not had an early morning engagement, you would have stayed a little longer. And that would have been alright.

When you drove me back to my car you said I was engaging. I don't know what that means exactly. But I do know I'm a man of my word. As I got out you told me to "call you". I said, "why would I call you when you never call me back?" And then I said good-bye.

Damn, I'd love to call you. But I can't. I won't. Ever. I'll take what I got, smile about it, remember it fondly and move on. If anything is supposed to happen with us, fate will step in, as she did on Friday night. But I know better than to hope for a silly thing like fate. U little fucker.

"There's nothing wrong if I taste your body beautiful, sweetness coming bountiful, fill me 2 the core." - Saturn, Body Beautiful

Another Idol on Top

YUCK! That stupid song from that country chick who won American Idol debuted at No. 1 on the Billboad Hot 100!?!?!? Inside Your Heaven? Are U friggin' kidding me? Sounds so blah, so ordinary, so cookie cutter. Sucks.

I predict it won't stay there, not even a week. The only American Idol who put out a record that I liked is Kelly Clarkson ... and it took her two albums to do it cuz I didn't like her first one. But this second record kicks ass. That girl has got it.

So, Ms. Underwood, we'll see how it goes. I know Inside Your Heaven is not your fault. It's the pop machinery that fuels everyone's pockets, I understand. But please bring forth your artistic merit. Give me something that makes me happy, or makes me sad or makes me dance or just bring me something I can chew on. U know what I'm sayin'?

"I even fell 4 that stupid love song." - Kelly Clarkson, Since U Been Gone

Saturn and 'Moonman' from Baltimore Pride 

Baltimore Pride and the Dancing Queen

Over 6,000 people! That's how many people were at the Block Party this weekend when I took to the stage with my band. Talk about nervous? Honey, I was nearly pissing in my pants ... no, literally, I had drank 2 bottles of water backstage and there was no bathroom in sight! So, we get on stage and I have to stretch cuz my band is not all plugged in yet. Great. I don't wanna talk, I just wanna sing and get the hell off! But ... I'm a performer ... so I do what performers do and make it up! The drag king host had said something about getting laid at Pride and if you didn't how you were a loser, so on that front, I said, well, I was single and looking and hadn't had sex in 3 months (ok, it's only been 6 weeks, but 3 months sounded better). Then I thought, hmmm, the first song was about a boy I met at a now defunct Baltimore strip club called "Atlantis", so why not get a guy from the audience to come up on stage and dance while I sang? Bad idea. Bad bad bad idea. It's something incredibly intimidating about looking over a crowd of thousands of people who are waiting for you to do something interesting. The host, much to my relief, picked someone 4 me, only they chickened out. So, I saw this dude's head in front of me, he was wearing blue, waving his hands and jumping up and down "pick me! pick me!" He didn't look like he could dance and he was FAR from looking like a stripper, but I liked his eagerness and thought he would enjoy it. What I didn't know was how wasted he was. So, he ambles forward and gets hoisted onto the stage and I'm praying to God that the band will be ready soon. At this point I don't even have any saliva left in my mouth.

SO, the band is finally ready and we can launch into the first song. Mind you, moonman (that's what I'll call him, you'll see why when I post a pic) is already dancing and grinding me salaciously and the music hasn't even started yet. I told him I didn't want a preemie onstage and to wait for it. So, the music began and I started singing, and we sound good! Only problem, this drunk dude is all in front of me dancing nasty and I can't even sing or get onto the runway. So, I kindly push em out ahead of me so he can "dance for the crowd." Oh my. Let's just say that the host eventually escorted him off of the stage. LOL. I have to admit, he was a good sport about it all and it was all in fun, but I think it completely overshadowed my fifteen minutes up there. My stupid fault. But the second song we did, "Flirt", was fantastic. I think that's our strongest song together as a band. And then we closed with "Deviant".

Now this was the block party. It was, I believe, the biggest turn out Baltimore has seen thanks to RuPaul being the headliner. There were a lot of people in the crowd really digging what I was doing (though some weren't ... it was, as the host said, 'gay rock'n'roll) and it was FANTASTIC to perform in front of that many people. Once I got past my nervousness and started singing, it was, as it always is for me, a rush. The band agreed. And for not playing together for over 6 weeks and only running through the songs once before we went to perform, they were tight as shit! I only wish there had been someway for me to sell CDs like last year, but there really wasn't anything like that. But I least I got the exposure. The organizers of Pride I have to really throw my hat off too. They pulled out all the stops and make this one helluva Pride! And to think they volunteer to put on something of this magnitude. They deserve something! A statue or a holiday in the Bahamas sponsored by all the gracious fags in Bmore or something, LOL.

So, after we got backstage, we were all hoping to meet RuPaul who was performing in the next hour. But nope, we had to clear out. RuPaul didn't want anyone backstage when she arrived. I, personally, didn't realize it was that serious, but whatever. I was like, "tell her I know Ari Gold and I'd like to meet her", (I even link to her blog here) but they were having none of that, LOL. So, we took flight. We went and grabbed some much needed food and a potty then made our way through that enormous crowd to see her perform. (It should be noted I HATE being in crowds like that. I always think a stampede is going to break out and I just don't like being jostled back and forth , having no room to breathe and not being able to get from point A to point B without pissing off random and sometimes crazy people.) When RuPaul finally hits the stage the crowd goes WILD. She looks great, she sounds great, but after two songs, I'm thinking to myself "is this it?" She basically sasheed up and down and side to side singing to her backing tracks, which wasn't bad, I just had expected something with more "flair". Some dancers, or some comedy or ... I dunno ... something that made it all worth the fuss. After she took a break to "change her top" only to come back and do more of the same, I realized I wasn't going to get anything different. So, I left. It took me 15 minutes to walk 20 feet. Now, I think RuPaul is funny as shit and I like some of her songs and she looked absolutely FAB, so that's not to take anything away from her at all when I say I just expected a hotter performance.

So, I took my band members to their car and then, after a little nudging from a couple of my friends, made my way back to Pride to do a little partying. Y'all, I don't know what's wrong with me lately. Usually I'm ready to get my party on and if I wanted 2 have sex ... it was plenty of it there for the taking. I was just so OVER it already. It was cool hanging out with some of my friends, but after little while I just went home. I didn't do the after parties or the after after parties, I didn't go dancing, I didn't even drink (I only had one). I think I've become, momentarily, just so disullisioned with boys and sex and dating and lonliness and love and life and the vicious cycle of bullshit we're thrown into that all I wanted to do was be by myself and sleep. And I found myself wanting to write. But I couldn't because I'm so hopelessly addicted to Coldplay's X&Y. I have to listen to it again and again and again. It's become my lover. Sad but true. It's one of those CDs that's so good it has the uncanny ability to make me never want to write another song because I'll never measure up and also to do nothing but write songs because it inspires so much in me that needs to come out. Not very many records do that and Coldplay now has two to their credit that did it.

So, I feel a little lost right now. My roadmap for the year in regards to my music and where I was going kind of blew out the open window on my way to superstardom. I have to pull off to a service station and pick up a new one. Luckily, there is one in sight. I just have to put the pedal to the metal and get there before I run out of gas.

And my heart is empty and I don't know how or when it's going to get filled. Lately, I don't feel the need to go out and pontificate about anything or be clever or witty or cute for the sake of impressing some transient stranger in my life. I'd rather spend time with cherished friends, and thank God I have those!

So, LJ, no boy stories 4 a while. But, U know, I AM a Scorpio after all. We're apt 2 be ... spontaneous!

"U just want somebody listening to what U say. It doesn't matter who U R." - Coldplay, Square One

Outmusic Awards 2005

So, I've been back in Baltimore for 4 days already and the boring glum of reality has sunk in. Between being really busy at work and play rehearsals at night, I've hardly time to do anything else, much less blog. But I figured I had to write about my trip to Chicago before it was just a distant memory. Well, I changed my mind, LOL. I'll just say that Chicago provided me with a much needed, relaxing, stress free break from life. It's a beautiful city and I could definitely live there ... except for the tundra winters they experience. If Baltimore is too cold a city 4 me, I don't think I'd ever leave the house in the winter if I lived in Chicago.

The Outmusic Awards were cute. Much smaller turnout than I had expected, but all of the performances were excellent. My favorites were the always incredible Justin Tranter (why he isn't an international superstar yet is beyond me), the legendary June Millington who won the Outmusic Heritage Award, Tori Fixx and the "poof posse", Nadine Guellner and Rachel Sage. Much props go out to Award winner Kitty Rose. I don't usually like country music, but that first song she sang just tore me to pieces it was so damned beautiful.

It was also great to see old faces like Roger Kuhn, Jed Star, JD Doyle of Queer Music Heritage and, of course, the guitar guru Robert Urban. Conspicuously absent was Aaron Carl (ok I forgive u, bitch) and Ed Mannix. Ed, where were you? It just wasn't the same without you there. U missed out on the Vox Vodka! But I think Jinx Titanic may have drank your portion.

My favorite non-singing moment was definitely Ari Gold's Halle Berry meltdown when he won his award. That was just 2 cute. Ran into sexy Ari and his uber cute manager Rich Overton in Boystown too. I hope I didn't say something stupid because I was pretty lit up and I know how stupid I get when I drink.

I wasn't nominated 4 anything this year, but at least they showed my video at the video showcase. I walked in just as it was playing, it was just too diva-ish.

Ok, I have 2 get back 2 work now. Wait! Halt! What about the boys in boystown you say? Well, I do have to keep some things 4 myself!

"I'm a mystic, I'm a superqueen." - Sacha Sacket, Battlefield

Chicago, Here I Come!

Well, I won't be online for about a week ... I think that's the longest I've gone with no computer since, hmmm, a really long time! But that's ok, I'll have a new city, shopping, sight - seeing, dancing, and of course all those brand new HOT BOYS! Bring it on!

Oh yeah, there's also the OUTmusic Awards, the whole purpose of my going! Can't wait to see all the performances and hobnob with all my peers. I think I'll have even more fun than I did last year at the awards in New York!

I'll give a full detailed report of my trip next Tuesday.

Ta, chillun'!

"Come on, babe, I know a hip hop spot where the gin is cold and the piano's hot! It's noisy hall where there's a nightly brawl and all ... that ... jazz!" - Catherine Zeta-Jones as Velma Kelly in Chicago, All That Jazz

A Matter of Taste

First off let me announce that I got the new Coldplay CD, "X&Y", yesterday, and just as I expected, I LOVE IT! Eargasms abounded in my car, people gave me funny looks, it's just brilliant. I had dinner yesterday with a friend who can't stand Coldplay. He says all their music sounds the same, and he kind of has a point, but when your music is that damned beautiful, who gives a shit if it sounds the same or not? If it ain't broke, don't fix it! Like everything in life, music is a matter of taste.

Which brings me to my second point. So, I started rehearsal for "The Merry Wives of Windsor" yesterday and I hadn't been home all day. I left rehearsal and went straight to the bar to meet my friend. Well, normally when I go to the bar, I wear something very comfortable and casual or something that's 'cute'. Well, needless 2 say, I didn't have a chance 2 change clothes and I honestly didn't even think about it. So, not ten seconds after I walk in the front door, my friend Terrence, who I hadn't expected to be there, comes waltzing over with a big shit - eating grin on his face and he says, "Saturn, I love you, that's why I have to be honest." From the way his eyes were surveying me as he said this, I already knew what was coming. "That shirt ... no! DON'T DO IT! It's hideous. Like, it's really awful! You look like an 80 year old jewish man. Like, I'm your friend so I had 2 tell U. U normally look really cute, but that shirt ... and those shoes ... no ... it's really tacky." The sad thing is once he told me this I was ready to leave. Not because I was mad at him or anything, but because I agreed with him! He was absolutely right! I wouldn't have been caught dead in that shirt at that bar! See, I have two sets of clothes ... the very square, boring, kacky style clothes that I wear to my job, and then the clothes that I wear the rest of the time. I tried to explain this to him and he was like "No, you need to look on point at all times. Even if you don't care about it at work, what if after work or on your break you go to the grocery store? You don't want to be wearing this, what if you see someone really cute. You should ALWAYS look your best." Well, he had a point.

So, now that Terrence had brought the very obvious problem of my hideous shirt to my attention, I had to do something about it. I wasn't going to leave, I hadn't had my drink yet! So, I unbuttoned the five year old beige, green and burgundy striped knit shirt and chunked it right in the trash. Yep, just like that crazy bitch with bowls I wrote about yesterday, shirt went bye-bye in the garbage chute never 2 be seen again. I was left wearing my green wifebeater, and if u didn't know, I'm ALL ABOUT wife beaters. I wear one under my clothes just about every single day. I like the way I look in them, more to the point, I like the way OTHER BOYS look in them, mmm, especially if they have a nice chest and defined arms and tatts and piercings and low hanging blue jeans .... mmmm, take me now, PLEASE!

Ok, I digressed a bit (this is what happens when you give up casual sex, doesn't take much to get you there!). So, I'm now in my tank, kacky pants ( I HATE tacky kacky pants, I only ever wear them to my square job) and worse, I'm in my "dentist" shoes. If I could have chucked those shoes too, I would have, but I wasn't walking around the bar in my socks.

The funniest thing about this is that the shirt that is now on its way to a landfill always got me LOADS of compliments whenever I wore it ... mostly from middle-aged white women, but still! Just earlier that day a co-worker complimented it (hence me wearing it to work in the first place ... I dress better than the owners most days!) That was also the shirt I was wearing on my first date with Chris, the 40 something year old that I dated 4 years ago ... the first date with a man I'd ever been on. And he really liked that shirt. Now I kind of wish I hadn't been so rash and thrown it away.

But better to leave the past in the past. Coincidentally, I saw Chris for the first time in months last weekend. Him and his boyfriend are moving to Boston at the end of August. Chris gave me confidence when I had none. I hope I get to hang out with them before they move away.

In closing, clothes like music like men ... are all a matter of taste.

"I just hope U understand that sometimes the clothes do not make the man." - George Michael, Freedom

WTF - Phones and Bowls

Our favorite bad boy Russell Crowe is at it again, this time throwing telephones:

Actor Russell Crowe was arrested and charged Monday for allegedly throwing a telephone at an employee of the Manhattan hotel where he was staying.Crowe, 41, whose latest film "Cinderella Man" in which he plays a boxer opened in Manhattan Friday, allegedly threw the phone at the concierge at the Mercer Hotel in SoHo, "hitting him in the face and causing a laceration and substantial pain," according to the complaint.

Why does this hot hot man who played gay once in "The Sum of Us" do these completely inane and crazy things? He has some serious anger management issues. It kind of reminds of this crazy bitch at my office who, upon seeing a dirty bowl in the dishwasher here at work, went into a flying rage and threw away all the bowls and saucers in the kitchen. That's right, porcelain went in the trash. And what's worse, she didn't see that anything was wrong with this picture. If I would have had a mirror when she told me what she did, I would have held it up to her and the dementia would have cracked it. Honestly, though, I don't know what's weirder, her junking the china or her coming in one day to work, storming over to my desk and depositing 5 brand new bowls wrapped in plastic Wal-Mart bags, declaring "This is so you can stop pouting. 5 bowls, one for each day of the week." I stared at her blankly 4 a moment and said, "um ... thanks?" when what I wanted 2 say was ...

"What the f*ck???!!!"

The Second Date Jinx

Remember how I'm always saying that I hardly ever make it to the second date and if I do then, based on my history thus far, it's likely to turn into some kind of relationship? Well, looks like there will be no second date for me and the "first Michael", you know, the dude I had a first date with last week. We had texted and IMed each other several times since our first date and finally, yesterday during our latest round of IM, I decided to just come out with it:

therealsaturn: so, when is our second date?
thefirstmichael : wow tahts forward
thefirstmichael : um, i dunno, honestly, i think its too soon after my 6 year relationship fell apart, and i decided this weekend i am not dating currently, i am too damaged
thefirstmichael : sorry.i feel like an ass.
therealsaturn: no sparks, eh?
thefirstmichael : its not that, its just that i am not ready for anything yet...
therealsaturn: ok
therealsaturn: i still want my cd though J

... and we continued to talk about being friends and hanging out blah blah blah. Like I said in my previous post, no big deal, he's a cool guy and I'm sure we'll stay in touch and possibly even get to know each other, but this only goes 2 further prove my second date jinx. It never happens!

Elsewhere in the world, Mr. Tongue Jockey from last week, the one who said he would call me back and never did? Well, I've run into him ... twice. He's up for another kiss but I think that's about it. After talking with him extensively, he's not the dating type, if U know what I mean.

And then there's the guy from last month who I had a first date with. Damn, he is jocking me hard and I'm so over it already!

Will the stars ever align on the right boy at the right place at the right time or am I cosmic joke?

"All the things that a human has 2 go through in a planet that's so bitter and cold. Universal love awaits U baby, all U got 2 say is that U really really really want 2 go and we're outta here!" - Prince, Space (Universal Love Remix)

Back in the Game

There's nothing like a good swift kick in the ass to get you going in the right direction again. I've been so obsessed by my lovelife recently (or lack of it) that I have totally ignored my music career, fledgling as it is. It used to be I'd have a weekly task list full of all these things that I did daily that I hoped would propel me forward, get me new fans and cd sales, and get me further along the path where I needed to be. I easily spent 20 hours a week just working on music related stuff. Well, every since the devestating disappointment of my last show I've just felt like all of my work has been in vain and I just kind of lost steam. I know, I know ... everyone has a bad turnout every now and then, it's not the end of the world, but it was just the timing of it along with everything else that was going on in my life ... I needed a break from it.

So, I took it. But now, after Friday night, I think I'm ready to get back to it. Every year, my friend Dawnyelle produces a variety show. She's a choreographer (she's the sexy modeling chick in my music video "Art") so the show is heavily dance based, but she brings in fashion, poetry and music as well. Every year she brings me in to perform a song. So, Friday night I went in and sang "I Luv Everything About U" from my DEVIANT CD. It was a no frills and no fuss performance and, for me, very low key. Well, much to my disbelief, I sold out of my CDs that night! Granted I only brought 7 with me because I only expected to sell 1 CD, if that, going by previous years' results, but I actually sold not only all 7 cds but a T- shirt, too! While 7 cds may not seem like a lot, it's the most I've ever sold at one time. I didn't even sell 7 cds at my own frigging CD release show that I worked my ass off for way back in January (I think I sold 5 cds and loads more shirts than anything). So, that was kind of a big deal.

So, I think it was kind of what I needed to get my head back in the game. I haven't worked this hard and come this far to stop now. This week I head to the Outmusic Awards in Chicago. It's a great networking event and I know I'll have a blast. Then, next weekend I have my performance at Baltimore Pride to look forward to. There won't be any shows for a while after that, though, because I'll be rehearsing for Shakespeare's "The Merry Wives of Windsor" and whenever you do theatre you have zero time for anything else. It's a time killer.

So, I'm glad I'll be busy. It'll be a switcheroo so I can get my mind in the game and off my fucking heart.

"I'm just trying 2 be me, doing what I got 2 do." - Brandy, Sittin' on Top of the World

A Fool of Myself

I thought I could do it. I thought I could be "friends" with my ex. I thought I was finally over him. God, was I wrong! He is the only man who has ever made me cry. I thought I was finally all cried out over this boy already after two months, but I cried all the way home tonight after dropping him off ... and he doesn't have a clue. He thinks I'm going to call him this weekend so we can "hang out". Well ... I just can't.

I'm glad I went out with him tonight though. At least I found out the reason, the "real" reason it didn't work out between us. Apparently, he's straight. Yep, I have the honor of being the one who turned him straight. Lucky me. He said he "thought he liked guys but realized he was just confused." What the f*ck? I can definitely attest to him not being particularly fond of sex with guys, but what about all those intimate moments we shared? We were together for over 3 months!! What about all the times we held each other, kissed each other, opened up for each other? It was all so fucking tender and so fucking passionate, how could it have not been the real thing?

The worst part was having to hear him pour his heart out to me about some girl that he's nuts over. As he sat and told me how he's spent the last two months I could only smile because karma is a bitch. EVERYTHING that he told me about the two of them WAS A MIRROR IMAGE of the two of us, only he was the girl and I was him. I tried to illuminate this point for him and he just didn't get it. Fucking stupid bastard. Apparently he didn't and still can't understand how much I ... (loved?) him. I mean, was I in love with him? Am I still in love with him? All I know is that as I tried to wipe my tears on the way home tonight and avoid getting into an accident from driving off the road, all I could think about was ... "what if this was it? What if I never in my life feel that way about someone again?" I mean, let's face it, I've known a lot of guys these past three years since I've been out, and he is the only one who made me feel so much. No one else holds a candle, no one else even comes close. It's not just because he's beautiful, because he is ... everyone in the bar checked him out, even the girl he was hitting on all night even though she was trying to play coy, I could tell. But it's his character. My friends can say all they want about him, but they weren't the ones who really got to know his character and his heart (probably cuz I only told them the bad stuff like how he hurt me). They didn't get to know and love his vulnerabilities and insecurities. They didn't talk about building a relationship and one day in the future building a life. I'll always remember holding him in my arms, no words, but just holding him there, lying together, caressing his head, and trying to hide my tears. I had to cry because it felt so perfect, like he was born to be in my arms, like this was the man I was supposed to love.

I don't know what to do here. Go on being his friend and torturing myself in the process? Or just completey cut him out of my life? And what if I'm not strong enough to do that?

Tonight he said something tantamount to "we're close. I want you in my life." The sweetest and the most vicious words I've ever heard.

What do I do?

"I can't make you love me if you don't. I can't make your heart feel something it won't. Here in the dark, these final hours, I will lay down my heart and I'll feel the power, but you won't. Oh, you don't." - Bonnie Rait, I Can't Make You Love Me

The Three Michaels

Normally, I never put people's names in any of my posts just because I don't think it's a good idea. After all, I never know who is reading this lil' ole blog of mine. But in this case, I had to because it's just so friggin' odd. Three Michaels, three 'connections', all in one night. What is it with me and guys named Michael?

The First Michael - in my previous post, at the end, I mentioned meeting someone with whom I had a connection. I'd seen him out at the bars, we'd talked on the phone, and I was instantly attracted to his energy, his exuberance, his intelligence, and his snarkiness. Not to mention he's pretty fuckin' cute, too. So, last night, we went out on our first date. I took him to dinner and the conversation didn't flow quite as freely as I'd hoped, but it was still cool. Whenever he spoke he looked out the window or at the painting above my head, but he rarely ever looked at me. I hate that because it makes me feel like they're not interested, even if that's not the case. But all and all, dinner was fine. After that we walked back to his place and listened to music. See, he's a music lover like me, only a vastly different style of music than I'd ever heard. He introduced me to quite a few styles I'd never heard of before and it was very cool. I felt very comfortable around him. We spent about 3 hours at his place before I had to leave and go meet my friend at the bar. Of course, we made out a little bit, just kissing and stuff, but the music that was playing made it very sexy to me. It was fun. I tried to take off his shirt, but he was like "no. No clothes come off on the first date." I was very impressed. I don't know if that's a general rule or just a rule he had for me, but if it was a general rule, I was very impressed indeed. So, we kissed a little more and he walked me down and we said good night. My feeling is I'll see him again, but I dont' know how far it will go. While I definitely like him and I think he likes me as well, there were no wild sparks flying about, but who are we kidding, those sparks are extremely rare, especially on a first date. So, I have no idea what could develop. The key and the fun thing is just to take it bit by bit, one day and one date at a time. Like I said in my previous post, at the very least, I've met a great guy.

The Second Michael - I've referred to him previously as 'the boy'. I've referred to him previously as my ex. In fact, he is the one that broke my heart so recently that I set out on a mission to find real love. I don't know if I was in love with him or not, but I know I was absolutely fucking out of my mind crazy about him, that's for sure. When we broke up, I hurt ... real bad, so bad my friend had to dope me up on anxiety medication just so I could make it through the day. But you know what, I got over it. I got over him. And now, after I messed up and called him Sunday, he finally got around to calling me yesterday, right before my date with the first Michael, ironically enough. He apologized for not calling me Monday like he had promised and wanted us to get together. I told him, with a certain amout of pleasure, that I already had plans. He was very inquisitive about what I was doing and who I was having these plans with, and for some odd reason I took a small amount of pleasure in that, too. I told him we could get together Thursday (tonight) if he was free and he said he would have to get back to me because he didn't know whether or not he had plans. (*bullshit*) Now, one of my friends has already told me she would be really upset with me if I went out with him again. (She doesn't even think I should be speaking with him.) Everyone who knew about him told me from the jump he was not the one for me. Even I, when I stepped back and looked at it objectively, realized we were radically different. But why couldn't I delete his number on Sunday? Why can't I say 'no' to an invitation from him? Why, when everything he did and said annoyed the shit out of me at one point or another, did I crave to be with him soooo much when we were together? He was never mean, never abusive, I've never caught him in a lie (which is not to say he never lied) ... the reason I ended it with him is because he could not give me what I needed. He was not ready for a relationship with me ... or with anyone, in my opinion. And he wasn't willing to change. I honestly think he's just clueless about what it means to be 'boyfriends'. And I think he's still struggling with his sexuality. Nobody knows he's gay ... or bi or whatever. So, should I see him again? Even as friends? Is this a road I want to go down? I know I'm over him, but that's not to say I couldn't fall for him again because I could. The few moments we shared together that were good ... were SO fucking good! And I don't mean sexual wise, cuz he needs some work in that department, truth be told, but just the intimacy and being with him ... I've never felt like that with anyone in my life. It was and continues to be inexplicable and scary. And who's to say if we continue to be 'friends' that at some point in time he WILL finally grow up and mature and be ready for a relationship? Who's to say that I won't be available at that moment? And who's to say we wouldn't be perfect for each other ... someday? I know I'm dreaming, but I think I should at least keep the lines of communication open and be casual friends with him, because you never know how people will change or how your life will alter. I mean, he's only 23. I'm not even close to being the same man I was at 23! So, if he's willing to be friends, so am I, but I will ... I MUST ... protect my heart at all costs. And by all means, I'll keep looking "4 the real thing", keep dating and always keep being true to myself.

The Third Michael - I'm at the local gay bar again last night and I look over and see this really cute guy and immediately I know that I've seen him before, only not in person. I'd chatted with him online at least twice ... months and months ago! The fact that I remember him and remember talking with him and even remember what we talked about all those months ago is pretty significant. So, I walk up to him, in the bathroom of all places (ok, I followed him in there ... he was with friends, u know how hard that is!) and I said hello and said that we'd spoken online before. He remembered me but neither one of us could remember each others' names. Well, you already know his! So, he goes back to his friends after asking me if I'd be around for awhile. Later on we start talking. And we talk for about an hour. I'm really attracted to him physically, he has it going on the "life" dept., he's intelligent, he's humorous, and from what I can tell, he's available! I didn't ask for his number, though. I'd just had a good date, I didn't need to be pressed. But before we left, he asked for mine. Now, I know I know, just because a guy asks for your number doesn't mean he'll actually call you ... but, he programmed it into his phone and I'd already given him my "business card" and he had studied it (and it clearly had my number on there) and he asked for my number again anyway. Clearly, he did that to let me know he was interested? Well, I still didn't ask for his number. I didn't want it. You know from my previous post how I hate making the first call, yet I always find myself in that position, so I avoided putting myself in that position. So, he'll have to do it. I have a sneaking suspicion he won't, just because most men are so goddamned predictable and pussies, but if he does ... something could happen. I'd definitely be into him ... assuming of course he's not a jack ass, moron or serial killer.

So, there you have it ... 3 Michaels in one night. At this point, if I were a betting man I'd put my money on The First Michael to win the prize (the prize being me). But this is life, as you know, and in the game of life all bets are off!

"A man can tell a thousand lies, I've learned my lesson well." - Madonna, Live to Tell